March 26, 2006

Mothers day tears

Mothers day brought joy and tears. Joy because both my son and daughter were here for lunch along with my 2 grandsons. It was great to have them all around.
Sad because I fear for my sons state of mind. He is a recovered(ing) drug addict. He has been clean for 3 years now after being really ill through abuse of drugs. Sadly he has no friends as he came away from the drug scene. He finds it hard to make friends , he has no confidence and very few social skills. He has always been attention deficient and hyper active. He is now mid thirties. We have tried to involve him in new activities, volunteering and the like. The couple of friends he made when living in a religious community seem to have moved on and he is finding it hard to let them. Especially one girl who he was pretty close to. Today when he came he found it hard to keep the tears away as did I. I feel he is losing the will to keep going on. I don't know what to do after all he isn't a child any more. When he left to go home I had this fear that he would slip back into the drug scene through having nothing else. I also had a very vivid dream 2 days ago involving a man who I knew used to be a casual drug user. I haven't seen him for many many years, he was only someone who I knew in passing so not surprising I wouldn't remember him. He came into this dream to tell me that my son was heading towards drugs again. It was such a vivid dream that it felt like a warning.
I can't live his life for him, I know that but also I can't ignore my worries for him. I don't want him back living with us, that wouldn't help me or DH as my health is enough some days to worry over. And he is not easy to live with demanding attention allbeit unintentionally. I thibnk this post is just to try and get my fears out of my head and face them.
Knitting to follow


sal the spider said...

And us Mums thought it was tough going when they were little.......... Nothing constructive I can say really is there? Just know I am sending you and him as much in the way of love and positive thoughts as I can
Hugs Sal x

Holly @Home said...

Have to agree with Sal..what can you say ? I can hardly talk as my anxiety is so bad I have prescription drugs just to get me through .As Sal said hope knowing others care helps a little. Angie .

KnitYoga said...

I know that feeling and I really do feel for you. He has to find his own way and, yet even though he's mid thirties (same sort of age as my own son), he's still your child. My own son is extremely sensitive and, as a result I think, vulnerable. Luckily he seems to have found a partner that has helped give him some stability (touch wood). It's really hard when you're worrying over someone you love and especially when you need to consider your own health too. My thoughts are with you.

Ambermoggie, a fragrant soul said...

thanks everyone I appreciate comments. Today his money hadn't gone into post office and we were taking him food shopping. Had to loan him food cash which is no probs but because he was going to buy fishing license/fishing gear we had moody son for the morning. I didn't have spare cash to lend him for fishing so he wasn't too happy.

Poetry for Brigid Imbolc

  The Lake Isle of Innisfree BY  WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay a...