June 20, 2011

A better day

We had an appointment with oncologist today to discuss the cancer and treatment. She thinks Mr Mog would benefit from a possible trial treatment so she is sending us details and has changed( added to) Mr Mogs medication. We have to go back in four weeks for further blood tests and then find out if he is eligible for the trial.
She thinks the initial prognosis could be extended so while it wouldn't cure things it could delay the inevitable.

We have decided that positive thinking is the way to go, it certainly would help and makes us both feel much better.
So no miracles but a little hope:)

June 16, 2011

It's all about me

When you have been living with uncertainty and fear for weeks it is a big relief to have an enemy you can face and fight.
It is the fear of the unknown that seeps into every aspect of your life. It permeates your waking and sleeping hours and despite all your efforts it won't go away.
It just mutates and multiplies. It scares you and you have nightmares. There are " what ifs?, why us?"
there is black, black despair.
You may wonder how having an answer can lift your spirits, especially such an answer of this magnitude. But it can and it has.
Being given bad news, or having bad news confirmed, in such a calm matter of fact manner as the consultant told us is brilliant.
It focuses your mind totally. There are no " what ifs". yes there is still fear, there are many tears both inside and out.
There is railing against everything you believe in.
And yet:-
knowing an enemy gives you something to fight, and if you are bloody minded, (as I have been known to be:))
Then you take it as a challenge. You won't believe for a moment that they can be right. You won't let it be 12-18 months.
After all you haven't known this soulmate for near enough long enough in this life.
There is so much you need and want to say to him. To enjoy with him.
So we will need a lot longer than that together Goddess if you please.
A lot more mornings like these where I sit writing my journal, glancing across to the sleeping figure of the man I love so much.
You can't take him yet, there are things we need to do together. We need to grow old together, and laugh about our aches and pains.
So I give you fair warning these Moggies are a fighting breed of cat, especially the female of the species. That would be me.
We fight for the ones we love. We have to, they are the biggest part of what makes us who and what we are.
Yes today IS all about me.
But under that it is all about my Mr Mog.
I won't lose him yet, or for a long long while.
Is that ok?
Thought I better insert a picture so you know there has been some knitting.

June 15, 2011

12-18 months:(

That is how long they have said to Mr Mog. There may be chemotherapy, we will know more When we see oncologist after weekend. apparently it is in his pelvis, vertebrae and some ribs.And very aggressive. Not good at all

June 08, 2011

It has spread:(

Over 2 hours in clinic as they were running late and one consultant got called up to ward for something. Sister had to go and get him back. Sitting really worried wondering what was happening and trying to keep strong for Mr Mog. Everyone called in except us, we were last. Went in to be told had spread to bones, no more info as they hadn't had a meeting to discuss results and treatment. They will do that this Friday. We have to go back next Wednesday for full explanation and treatment options. I asked why they hadn't rung us to postpone meeting rather than keep us worrying and waiting. They couldn't answer that.
So another week of worry before the full details are known.
Keep a positive thought for Mr Mog please

Poetry for Brigid Imbolc

  The Lake Isle of Innisfree BY  WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay a...