September 18, 2009

We are the sum of our parts

We are the sum of our parts
Our physical self, our spiritual self and our experiences.
Who we are at any one time is the product of that sum. We colour our existence by what we do and our interaction with the world and the people around us.
Sometimes these experiences can overwhelm us and we can feel as if we have lost our inner self.
Being in an abusive relationship can be all of that and more.
When I was married to my first husband I found it hard to stay true to who I was. All my creativity was derided and even worse forbidden.
As a young mum with 2 very small children I saw no way out, at least not until they were ready to leave school. I couldn't leave for my own life. How would the children fare with no father?
With the hindsight of today I realise that it would have been better for us all to be apart. But then I couldn't do it. I took all that life and he could throw at me. I snuck time to write silly rhymes and stories, escapism. One poem on why a biscuit company had withdrawn my favourite biscuit. Fables of fantastic places inhabited by magical creatures.
I hid them but they were always found and burnt. A case of going full circle as this had always happened throughout my childhood. I wasn't allowed to write, draw or paint. It was a waste of time. "Get back to doing proper stuff", chores and looking after my 5 siblings.
For so long creating art was a guilty pleasure, one to be done in secret moments snatched from the day. I volunteered a lot for various charities. That was wrong.
I raised money for them and had creative ideas for fund raising. A waste of time, get back to looking after your children, cooking meals.
Is it any wonder that all those years on I found it hard to allow my inner artistic self out to play?
Mr Mog encouraged the fragile spirit to emerge. He praised my efforts and gave me courage to make mistakes. Slowly I made art, many forms and with small steps.Today although I have emerged from the dark tunnel of despair I still have times when I wonder if it is all a dream and that someone will come along and bin it.
They don't I am glad to say.
Faith helped me. I knew that inside it wasn't wrong. I was allowed to play. My beliefs had also been belittled back then. I was beaten for them. THEY didn't believe anything so I wasn't allowed to.
The Goddess kept me within her protection and my belief in her was not taken from me.
I always knew my path would be mixed. From a child I knew it wouldn't be easy. It still isn't but it is my path to walk and to stumble on if necessary.
I have that right and that need.
Being me means being all of me.The good, the bad and the ugly. All parts of the essential whole.
The balance that brings me to this place and also takes me to the stars and beyond in my imaginings.
I am me and I am glad I am:)
My wish sometimes is that I had been allowed to be me all along instead of having to wait.
But I got here.


laoi gaul~williams said...

what an inspiring post~oh so sad but at the same time joyful.

what wonder you kept your seed of creativity and found someone who helps nuture it for you :)

Blue Witch said...


But, as you say at the outset, you wouldn't be the person you are today without the past. Everything happens for a reason.

Antoinette said...

Oh Ambermoggie. This post has me quite choked up. Happy for you as much as outraged by what you suffered in the past. As someone who needs to create in order to breathe (much like you I imagine), I can only imagine how incredibly painful it is to then have that creative spirit and its expression trampled upon, and forcibly stamped down.

That you stuck at it, escaped and prevailed is very inspiring, and you have my deepest respect. What a beautiful post. A reminder to me to follow on down that path, whatever the obstacles and challenges.

Suzi Smith said...

...and what a lovely 'you' you are x

sam brightwell said...

"My wish sometimes is that I had been allowed to be me all along instead of having to wait."

yes, ambermoggie, I share your wish too!

wouldn't it be simpler if we arrived on this planet already in our god/goddess form and able to just breeze through the opportunities and challenges that came our way? so often I forget that life is the journey, not the destination. Goddess give me patience and grace.

thank you for mentioning the ceremony at the well on Tuesday ~ I rarely keep up with the events programme there and then miss out on so many wonderful things. I shall have a word with my spiritual companion and see what we can arrange - but I do hope to be there. shall I look out for you?

bright blessings

Ladeewolf said...

I am glad that you now have the freedom to be yourself. I had much the same childhood that you had as a marriage, so suppressed and restrictive. I am still dealing with it though, I can do all types of needful things but still feel the guilt when I work on what I love. And my beliefs are still not approved of, but that doesn't seem to bother me as much. It makes us what we are.

Poetry for Brigid Imbolc

  The Lake Isle of Innisfree BY  WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay a...