Still here

I know, I know it is a long time between posts. I'm sorry but I've been totally overwhelmed  with health stuff both physical and mental.
The physical? Constant pain in all my joints that pain killers just aren't helping.
The mental? Really struggling to stay positive and sane, I feel very vulnerable at the moment and low. I know why, I know its the pain and the cancer stuff all becoming a wee bit too much.
I've been working on the PMA and most of the time I cope, but lately its become harder and harder.
Yesterday I decided enough was enough. Breaking into tears for no reason is reason enough to try and do something about it. I've hung on from visiting the doctors as it seemed a little bit of a cop out to do so.
BUT my ill health isn't helping either of us. I know I can't be upbeat all the time and indeed I don't expect to be so. I just want to be able to cope better than I have been doing.
So I've done something about it, I've made an appointment with the doctor, the best doctor in the practice in my opinion. She only works part time so the appointment is next Friday the 13th. I'd rather wait and see a sympathetic person who knows my history and knows what is going on with my life.
Just making the move has helped me, knowing I'm not ignoring a problem but trying to do something about it.

I need to be well to help Mr Mog, but also to help myself.

The past 2 weeks have been horrendous, the hospital visits have been ok but the reason for them isn't. Add to the Mr Mog worries this pain and weariness for me that would be enough but there is also family stuff going on and that compounds the worry.
I know I can't help everyone but it is hard to stand back.

Anyway that's off my chest so lets move on shall we?
Oh just one other thing, this morning our next but one neighbour died suddenly. We are good friends with all the family so it was a great shock for us both. We have just come home from paying our condolences and it was so hard:( They were a very close couple, a very close family and they are devastated. You never know what to say on these occasions do you? But I think it is important to be there for people and just let them know your door is open.

What else can one do?
I haven't done much spinning due to the pain and not too much knitting but socks are on the go once more to accompany the hospital visits.
So thats good isn't it?

Updates on cancer

Cancer has spread:(
There is more in the previous areas and it has spread to other areas of the back.
Options were:-
1/ drug trial,constant monitoring then chemo as last treatment available
2/ chemo then nothing else but palliative care
3/ An older hormone with side effects that included thick blood and possible leg clots
or 4/ do nothing and not be monitored.
Mr Mog has decided to go with the drug trials as best possible option for now and how he feels. With that he is monitored all the time and if there are any severe side effects he can can come off it at any time. They wanted him to come next Tuesday to sign forms and for all tests but I put my foot down and said no as we had booked to go and see friends and a visit to Glastonbury.
So he goes the following Tuesday to start the thing off. Apparently that will be most of the day with blood tests, X-rays, heart monitoring, more CT scans etc then form reading/signing. He said he would go on his own but that is just not going to happen.
Firstly I want to read the forms as well- two heads better than one, secondly its a long day if he has to wait around in between stuff.
Our oncologist agreed to the delay and said we should lead our usual (??) lives as much as we wanted. The drug trial will work round us so we can still do our own thing and go to Wonderwool etc.
So shellshocked but realistically I knew it wouldn’t be better.
As Mr Mog said” I aten’tdead” its just something to cope with.
PMA as Blue Witch reminded me has a lot to do with things and we have lots of PMA chez Moggie even if it is buried deep sometimes.
This past week has been one of the worst weeks of my life, waiting is so hard and especially waiting for news on cancer.

Of course when you have something major to worry about other things are added aren't they? Had news from an aunt about one of my siblings. As some of you know I don't really have anything to do with most of my family, long story and not worth going into here. Hearing about a member of the family brought major crap to the front of my head, then my favourite cousin who is more of a sister than cousin had health problems and at one point I wasn't sure I could deal with everything my head felt so busy and so stressed.
Morning pages and a very understanding husband helped.

On a completely bizarre change of subject;-

we went into Sainsburys for a late breakfast after the hospital and they had a display in the front of the store for Mothers Day. All well and good and the usual flowers, chocolates etc. No surprises there but also on the display table a lacy bra and knickers in black? Would you buy your mother sexy undies? No neither would I:)I did ask Mr Mog if he wanted to get some for his mother but he declined. Mind you I think they may have raised a few smiles at the care home as she is 93 this year:)

Of Spring

Sometimes you need a wake up call, something to tell you that yes the wheel has turned and warmer lighter days are upon us.

It needn't be a big wake up call, something as simple as a bunch or two of flowers from friends. The colours of Spring in a vase. We had visitors yesterday and it was wonderful. Like minded friends who came for lunch and made the day that little brighter both with their presence and their presents.

It made me aware how very little is needed to lift the spirits, to know someone cares. It needn't even be flowers, a word , phone call is enough.

It has been a stressful few days. Mr Mog had a CT scan cancelled as the machine broke down. He got a new appointment for last Friday. Now why is it that waiting rooms have to remain in the archaic dismal past? The room we waited in was tiny, very hot, no windows and full. This is not just a normal appointment with a doctor, this is people with major health problems waiting for scans to give them results. Scans where they have to wait around. Drink a drink over the space of an hour before the actual scan. Sitting in a dismal room. One that was oppressively hot. I asked the receptionist if we could leave the door open but was told no due to fire regulations. What? How does getting fresh air in a room contravene that when the room is full?

Add in people coughing and bugs just sit around all day. Plus when we were leaving after the scan there was a big notice at reception telling people not to come in if they had had sickness and diarrhoea in the past 3 days due to there being breakouts of the same on the wards.

Do they not think that perhaps some fresh air through the hospital may have helped a tad? I do. Anyway the scan went well, Mr Mog was fine with the drinking and the subsequent injection before the scan. We now just have to wait until Friday for the results of it all when we go to see the Oncologist.

I came home with a headache and kept it until today but never mind I would not have dreamt of sending him on his own. We are hoping to go to Glastonbury after we get the results,as we haven't been for a while now. We intend to drop in on friends for an overnight stay. Not just to see their new kittens;)

Everything is growing in the garden and conservatory. Flowers cropping up all over. I love the pink Pulmonaria and somewhere we have the white form.

So many flowers brightening up the garden and our spirits.

I love the faded splendour of these tulips.

These are coffee plants. I bought a tiny pot and found that it had many plants in it so split them up and they have taken nicely.

I have also got some lemon plants growing from pips which is fun. The first shoots are showing and they have only been in a week now so I have high hopes for them.

spinning and knitting

I realised that my spinning and knitting don't mesh. I love spinning and I love knitting, but I don't spin to knit. The two seem like separate entities. I do knit some of my spun yarn but the act of spinning is complete within itself for me.

I don't consciously think of a project I want to make then spin the yarn for it. I can't seem to work that way. I like to spin bright colours, it lifts my spirits seeing the bright colour going onto the wheel. However the spun yarn up to now hasn't necessarily been right for the items I want to knit.
Take shawls for instance.

Most shawls benefit from being knit in a solid or semi solid colour way. Too much variegation in the yarn and you can lose the pattern.
But I don't necessarily like spinning all one colour or a semi.
One solution has been to add bands of variegated colour into shawls.
I don't want to limit my spinning to solid colour ways, it would take away the whole meditative practise for me.

March already

How did it get to be March already? Seems no time since Yule and now Spring Equinox is just around the corner. We haven't been doing much chez Moggies but in a good way not a bad. In some ways we are biding time waiting for the oncology appointment before we get on with the next stage of having fun. Mr Mog was supposed to have his CT scan yesterday to go with the other scan last week. Sadly the hospital rang early in the day to say it had been cancelled. The machine was broken and was expected to be out of commission until at least Tuesday. I rang them later on to confirm they had our mobile number for when they arrange a new appointment, this will hopefully avoid us sitting in waiting for the telephone to ring.
While on the phone I mentioned that all results were needed for the 16th for the Oncology appointment, they didn't know this so it was a good thing I rang otherwise the appointment could have been a waste of time if no full results.
We have had the talk about the appointment and what Mr Mog wants to do regarding treatment even if he doesn't take up the offer of the drug trial.
Obviously it isn't my body so my input can only be minimal. It is Mr Mog's decision to make. We don't avoid the discussion of cancer and treatments neither do we keep talking about it. I feel it is important to view it as just a part of our life and if we have our way then it is a very small part.
But, this appointment will spell out what options there are.
Mr Mog has decided that he doesn't want any treatment, thank you very much ,while he is feeling relatively well and pain free.
Should that change then of course he would consider going down the chemo route.
But as he pointed out it doesn't  guarantee to prolong your life it is all maybes and he feels that maybes with a side order of ailments isn't good enough. He wants a good death after a good life.
And you know what?
I agree, I want to keep my darling husband as is for as long as I can. and yes it is selfish:)

Mother of the small mysteries

The title reflects thoughts and ponderings of late. Mother of the mysteries, or of small mysteries not sure yet. Although big or small they are still the mysteries. The what ifs? the strange occurrences we see in life.

I'm hankering after making a doll with the title Mother of the mysteries, I've put a few ideas down in my journal and will add to them as the days go by before actually starting to create her. Colours, decoration and materials all to be thought of. This doll seems to be quite an important character and does not want to be rushed.

I promised some pictures and here is the latest finished shawl modelled by Dorothea. Yarn is dyed by me and reflects the element of air and inspiration and the colours of Imbolc white and gold. I sort of followed a pattern but there was lots of yarn left so I carried on until I'd used it all. Will be nice and warm with the length I think. The yarn is fingering weight from Louet and has a slight cotton feel to me. I dyed 2 lots of this the other is currently on the needles and is a grey with squiggles of shocking pink and hyacinth. Looks better than it sounds.

There is  a bobble effect on this shawl and I haven't done them for over 40 years I don't think. One of the favourite patterns I knit my children when babies was a jacket, done in blackberry stitch as it was called. Looked similar to this. I loved the pattern so much I think I made around 8 tops for my children and several more for my sisters child born 3 days before my son.

 I have always loved knitting since I was a very small child, some crochet but not patterns per se. Mainly granny squares and large granny square blankets and cushions. Made an awful lot of them over the years. When we lived on a narrowboat I made primary colour cushions and throws in crochet mohair for the seats. Used to look very bright and colourful.
Today has been absolutely gorgeous and there is snow on the tops of the hills again making it fairly cool. But it made for wondrous views from the seafront.

 Tide was in and was very quiet after the gales and high seas of previous weeks.

 I think you can just see the snow on the very tops?

Last night we went to a 50th birthday party for my cousins partner. A surprise party no less and went well. I think there where some 28 of us all waiting for the birthday boys return from his day of golf. He was truly stunned when he walked in to see us all there. My cousin had arranged for his sister and her husband to fly over from Ireland and his cousin to come up from Essex I think? My cousin is more of a sister than my actual siblings so I always love seeing her. We never go out much of an evening so this was a rare occurrence for the moggies. We didn't stay late but enjoyed it never the less.

Love

Love takes many forms and is a mystery with it.
Bot no mystery about this Valentines Day. Mr Mog received 19 cards and several gifts by mail and many more virtual Valentines.

I can't tell you how emotional we both were. That someone had organised this for him (a very dear friend who shall be nameless) and that people all over the country had taken the time to buy or in many cases make a card for him. Most of these people we have never met ,yet ,but they are very much appreciated none the less.
We all need love in our lives it helps when things are bad as well as good.
This week has been a messy one, Mr Mog had his 3monthly hormone injection one day and then Friday the scan. We were at hospital for 11am for his injection then had to go back at 3 for the actual scan. We were both apprehensive about the injection as he had major problems with the last one and had to have oxygen. We needn't have worried, the radiologist was excellent and so much better than the last one.
I know we had both lost sleep over the appointment but what a relief when it was done.
Next scans are in 2 weeks then back to oncologist for result mid March.
Today the sun is shining and it is so much brighter than it has been for past 10 days.
I hope to have finished knitting to show soon, watch this space:)

Valentines

It would appear that mr Mog has been living a double life;) or you would think so at the moment. He is being showered with valentines cards each day.he has no idea why but it certainly makes him(and me) smile which I suspect is the intent.
Following on from my last blog post about the drug trials and the effects of positive thinking ,which Blue Witch reiterates, a friend decided to reinforce the effects. All I know up to now is that she apparently got in touch with people she knew and that we did to arrange a surprise. She asked me first without explaining quite what the surprise would be. I will apparently be told all after Tuesday.
He got the first cards yesterday and more today. Mr Mog was very moved and could hardly speak reading the messages. To think that so many people we had never met cared enough to answer a friends call is amazing and wonderful. We are lucky to have such friends who are generous, caring despite having health problems of their own to deal with.
When there is so much going on with the cancer and my health stuff minor as it is in comparison a little light relief certainly cheers you up.

Imbolc full moon

A stunning full moon rising above the house, truly spectacular . It really defines this turn of the wheel. I am glad to see it as a sign of hope and a light.

Mr Mog has decided not to take part in the drug trials the oncologist gave us details of. There was just a 50% chance of getting the new drug and the side effects were not nice. It would have been given alongside a steroid and after adding the 2 Sets of side effects together he decided not to take part. The drug wasn't a cure just a "possibility" of a longer life. As mr M said he didn't want a longer life if it was at such a cost and I agree with him. He has to have more scans next week to see how far the disease has spread through his bones. Then back mid March for next appointment.
We are focusing on each day and that is enough at the moment.

Annual silent poetry reading for Brigid

Here is my contribution to the Imbolc celebrations in honour of the Goddess Brigid. Goddess of poetry among other things.

My path is mine. It belongs to me alone
The way shines inside should I choose to follow
A shining beacon of love and ligh
not easy or fast but right for me
I just need the courage of the Goddess to take the first step
not rushing to the end but enjoying my journey
In Brigid's hands there is no need for fear.

My other contribution  is from Earthkind by Brian Boothby and Glennie Kindred.

Blue Morning

Dawn backlights the mountains, silver frost on the land

Morning winter landscape, thrill like contraband

ducks spring from the water, gulls wail on the wing

music in ice crackles as blue silence begins to sing

and I'm traveller, yawning and stretching, walking in the light

hoar frost gathers on my feet, i breathe a breath of white

red the blood runs rich, black the trees are bare

blue morning weaves my soul with the magic of the air

horizons shift,colours merge, movement all around

curlew calls the tide-change, the hawk surveys the sound

its hard sometimes to come to terms with nothing staying still

but no two mornings ever dawned alike, I'm sure they never will

Brians site is here should you wish to explore further

Imbolc blessings

Happy Imbolc everyone may the day be filled with as much sunshine as we have here. A true sign from the Goddess that the wheel has turned and the brighter,lighter days are on their way.

 New growth everywhere you look, seeds sprouting, bulbs growing by the day.

 Today is all about synchronicity and a little meander through my thought processes. A couple of weeks ago Mr Mog was passing a parade of shops near our sons home. He told me later when we were nearly home that he had seen my kind of doll in a shop window. Never thought too much of it until we had occasion to be near there again. I went into the shop(Tourist information) and saw 2 figures the one you see below and one in shocking pinks This one spoke to me for some reason. I presume leading on from my art doll thoughts, who knows why?

I asked her price and can you believe she was only £15? When you think of all the work that has gone into her. She isn't the kind I want to make particularly but she is cloth and an art doll so yes heading the same way. At that price I decided to bring her home with me. Seemed silly not to.

 Move on to yesterday and I decided to ring TI and see if I could find out the doll artists name, there was no identification on her just the price. I explained that I made dolls and was always interested in meeting fellow artists. The guy at TI said he would get back to me. He didn't but a short while later the artist did. We had a long chat and it transpires that she started making dolls when she went through a breakdown. She didn't know why , she just had to make them. This was so similar to my first forays into creativity, poetry writing when I was first married and then subsequent paper arts etc when I first was with Mr Mog. The crafting and Mr Mog got me through the breakdown and I've created since then. I find I need to. It isn't just for fun it is a real need to express myself and to get the quiet inside that we all need.

 This mornings morning pages went on from that and here is a part of what I wrote.

There is a fine line we walk as artists between madness and sanity and it seems to be there on the edge that we find both our Muse and our creativity.

 It is almost like shamans having a near death experience that kick starts the shamanic process. Or for many pagans starts them on their path or their awareness of it. A different kind of muse and a different strand of the path but after all the two are linked. Creativity of the hands as an artist and creative form of the minds working when you follow a spiritual path or should that be when you work with your spiritual path as in rituals etc?
Is that some of it? That you have to break free from the mundane and routine ? When I first joined a coven we were told about the eight ways of making magic.

1 is meditation or concentration.
2 is chanting, spells, invocations
3 is Trance
4 is Incense,drugs, wine .
5 is dancing
6 is blood control or use of the cords
7 is The scourge
8 is the great rite.
I would add that I didn't stay with the coven as it wasn't my path. Yes I am sure for many it is right but I didn't feel comfortable following prewritten scripts almost. My way of getting in touch with the Goddess was more spontaneous and right for me.
But maybe their use of the 8 paths were a way to move from the physical to the higher plane.

Isn't that what we as artists do when we sit down to create?
So are art and magic different sides of the same coin?

 I often say to beginner spinners that the art of spinning becomes a meditative practise. You go to another place and creating any form of art you go there also to my mind.

 Old tales and pictures of weaving and spinning where sorceresses and witches use their craft to weave spells good or ill.
In old tales always ill. Look at sleeping beauty.
So going on:-
Could some of that be the churches way of control? That ritual and prayer etc are for god and done in church, certainly in catholic belief. Look at the saying, idle hands are the work of the devil. i.e no sitting about daydreaming.
Ooops going off tangent here.

So I think what I am trying to say is that for me my creativity is and has always been a sacred activity. A way to connect with the Goddess. At this time of Imbolc it seems most apt to be reaffirming that for myself as the Lady of Imbolc for me is always Brigid and of course she is the Goddess of creativity and crafts. Also an aspect of the Triple Goddess.

This ungainly lot are a beginning for Imbolc. Purchased doll blanks(apart from the large pregnant doll at the back) They have all had a dip in dye baths and are ready for the next stage. The large one is going to be decorated as an aspect of Gaia, the earth mother. The others not sure yet but its a small start on another turn of the path I follow. From here I hope to try making a cloth doll from scratch. Not easy when you are straight seam sewing challenged as I am. Wavy line figures anyone?