March 03, 2016

Sometimes reality hits home hard

This week has been difficult. Monday was massage (Mr Mog) counselling (me) at local cancer centre, followed immediately by palliative pain clinic at hospice. Counselling went ok it helps to talk to someone not involved. Palliative pain was interesting . Consultant had another consultant from another hospital who ostensibly ran the appointment . But our consultant had to take over several times. Mr Mog has been very breathless, not just when walking but when sitting, and his ankles have swollen. He has also been in lots of pain if he coughed. I mentioned to consultants so they had a look at his last X-ray . Heart was swollen and there was some fluid on the lungs, not a lot but some.  They recommended asking GP to change his water tablet to see if that helped. Then the visiting consultant turned to me and asked "Is he in increased pain?" I could see our consultant wincing and Mr Mog told him no he wasn't in more pain than normal. Why ask me? Surely Mr M is the best one to answer that question? 
Tuesday was oncology. Oncologist was on leave due to family stuff so we saw the registrar. She obviously didn't know Mr M so it was a bit of a wasted day really. Never mind next appointment is 6 weeks and hopefully oncologist is back then.
Wednesday we had doctor booked for home visit. First time Mr Mog had met this one and she was wonderful. Asked lots of questions, changed his water tablet and added in an artificial saliva spray as his mouth is constantly dry. She also told him that unless he needed to see her before she would visit in 2-3 weeks. Then asked about end of life stuff. Ie what Mr Mog wanted to happen if he needed resuscitation . She told him there was no rush to answer but if he did make a decision sometime it avoided me having to do so at what would be a crucial time or indeed avoided medical staff needing to. He has already had the conversation with Macmillan that he does not want to go in hospital again and would prefer to remain at home. I agree with him. 
Last night the realities of our life suddenly came home to me once more, the thought of GP needing to record his wishes for revive or not. So upsetting even though I know how things are.
Add in the fact I now have increased pain in both wrists and hands due to the carpal tunnel getting worse . Have got new splints and GP has rearranged appointments so I can have steroid injection in one wrist next week then the other one 2 weeks later. So not much sleep chez moggies.
I am sorry this blog seems depressing lately, I am afraid I haven't any knitting to show or pretty pictures as we haven't been anywhere.
But thank you for listening.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Your blog is life as it is truly lived. Best wishes to you both.

Antoinette said...

Please don't apologise for anything you write here. You are such a beautiful, wise spirit, and you're carrying so much. Such a rough road to be on right now. I continue to hold you and Mr Mog in my thoughts, and send you many blessings, dear heart. xxx

Jennifer said...

Thank you for telling your story. Much love to you and Mr. Mog.

LOVE from Canada. xxoo

Roobeedoo said...

It's not "depressing". It is real. And it is sad. Of course it is.
Keep an eye on the fluid - it can cause all sorts of other issues if it starts to affect the heart and lungs. The ankles are the easiest part to monitor via a daily lower leg massage.
The choice is not just "hospital or home". Hospices are amazing places and although my FL was terrified of going there, we found that it was full of people who were nowhere near their "end of life" but needed expert help to re-assess their pain relief regime, or extra support (physical and emotional) while on chemo. I regretted FL not having an earlier admission so that he might have enjoyed some of the special "soul" care they can offer - the writer in residence, the artists, aromatherapy... all on the NHS! Worth thinking about, though I can understand your reluctance to do so. Look after yourself too, honey!

Freyalyn said...

I wish I could do more than just send love and strength and hope to you. But do know that Mark and I are thinking of you.

Blue Witch said...

What they all said.

I've been involved in several DNR decisions (actually, I think they call them something else now, similar, but not that, according to a friend's daughter who is a senior sister in an ITU in B'ham, but I can't remember what). Not an easy choice, but, we've always thought that if a body gives up naturally, then it is trying to tell you something, whatever your brain or heart may feel. Reviving a body that is worn (or diseased) out is probably not what its soul and spirit would want. Let the spirit free, to begin journeying - you'll catch up one day.

Lots of love from both of us. Currently have no voice, but will ring you when I can talk audibly and without coughing - crap hospital I'm in - the 'nurse' has gone to a car restoration show for the day!!!.

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