May 20, 2011

An update

Tuesday we went to the hospital for Mr Mog's normal 3monthly check up. No sense of what was to meet us there, we were sat wondering how long the wait would be, the usual stuff. The consultant immediately wanted to examine him which set off alarm bells. 
Apparaently the cancer is back and outside the prostate. This in just 3 months.
He is back on the stomach injections and today has an MRI or CT scan, not sure which as they rang yesterday with a cancellation and I my brain is not where it should be.
He has a bone scan planned in 2 weeks and then we go back to see the consultant soon after that. That appointment will tell us the extent of the cancer and what treatment there can be.
He can't have radiotherapy again so it will most probably be chemo.
I don't know what to do, how to comfort him when I am also very frightened. Scared that I will lose the man I love and the man I waited so long to find.
Scared of the battle he(we) may have to fight and how I can do everything I can to make it better.
I want to be able to kiss him better, to rub the hurt away some how and I can't.
This limbo time waiting for things to be done is the worst I think. Once we know we can fight it, we have something to fight against.
Now it is just trying to get through the days until we can see the enemy and where it has travelled.
This f%&*%*g cancer is such a nasty disease. It attacks in all ways and you never see it coming.
Faith kind of slips a little when you get news like this.
How are you supposed to attack it like it attacks your loved ones?
Is there anything I am missing? A piece of the jigsaw waiting to be found?We aren't sleeping as you can imagine. I'm trying to keep Mr Mog distracted with lunches out with like minded friends and the like but I know that doesn't really do much.
Still you have to try.
He has been very tired for the past few months and has a really bad back, of course my mind is linking it with the disease. Not to him, to Mr Mog I smile and try to be positive.
But sometimes the mind has a will of its own.


Mandy said...

Sending you positive thoughts. May you both find the strength to come through this dreadful disease.

Roobeedoo said...

Chemo is not easy, I won't pretend it is, but my husband is still with me almost 4 years after his first chemo and we've had some good times since then, so please don't assume the worst and "give up". Waiting to know what is going to happen next is the hardest thing, it really is. Just award yourselves little treats to get through it and take one day at a time. And keep knitting!

Blue Witch said...

Thinking of you both.

I'm sure you're right when you say that the waiting is the worst: until you know some definite facts, there is so little that you can do except try to keep positive. Mind over matter, or, positive thoughts over cancer.

Hope the scan today goes OK.

Ann said...

I want to add my voice to those you will hear from around the world -- I am sorry you and Mr. M. must endure this illness. Is it any comfort to think of these types of cancers as chronic diseases, which can sometimes be controlled for long periods?

I have been reading your blog for a long time, and I have a sense of you as a strong, wise woman. You will find the strength to do this.

Helen Jacobs-Grant said...

Just want to reach into my screen and extend massive of mountain size ((((((( hugs ))))))) to you both Amber, please know you are not alone and am here anytime you need to just talk to someone unrelated to the situation ok. Take each day one day at a time, celebrate your love together as you ride this giant rollercoaster together, that's all you can really do right now. Feel like I am fumbling this a bit, its difficult in typing rather than speaking. Sending you only the strongest of healing vibes and positive thoughts. Helen xx

Freyalyn said...

Oh sweetie, please pass on my love and good wishes to Mr Mog, and to you too.

Emma said...

Wishing all the best to you and Mr. Mog.

Lynn said...

Amber, No words can make things all right, but know that you and Mr. Mog are in my prayers. Wish I could give you both a hug. Perhaps the chemo will slow things down a bit. Just enjoy each moment to the fullness, love each other and thank Goddess you can be together. Blessings, Lynn

Rosie said...

Sending calming, positive thoughts your way and recommending soothing hugs.

Rosie said...

Sending soothing thoughts your way. xx

Leanne said...

Chemo can be gruelling. My ex was diagnosed with a savage cancer in late 2004. He had 6hiours of surgery followed by intensive chemo. We are no longer together- he left me a year into remission. but I remember only too well all the feelings you have now, and I wish i could give you a hug. its now 2011 and my ex is still around (although not with me!) and still clear of cancer. your inner strength will help you shine through this awful time, and that will help Mr Mog. Leanne x

Liz said...

Thinking of you both lots and lots. Wishing you all the best, Lizx.

Yarnspider said...

So sorry to hear, will be keeping you both in my thoughts.

Unknown said...

Amber, you probably know more about this than me. My husband Tony loves yew trees especially the one at Much Marcle, near Ledbury, Herefordshire in the churchyard in the village where his maternal grandfather was born and grew up. One day we were there and two couples arrived on motorbikes and were hugging the tree. One of the women said that she had cancer and had come to the tree for healing.
While she was hugging her mobile phone rang and it was her oncologist who was ringing to tell her that he wanted to see her the next day. This was much quicker than she had expected and it made her feel that the tree was helping her.
I understand that yew is now being used medicinally to cure cancer.
So perhaps some visits to lovely old yew trees might help. is the site to find old yew trees near you.
You are probably thinking this is "teaching my grandmother to suck eggs" if it is I really don't mind.

Dorothy said...

I've been trying to find the right words, but they aren't there, this is something I find very difficult - I am so sad to hear this news.

I hope you can fight the fears in order to protect the precious love and happy moments you share each day.

yvonnep said...

So sorry to read this... all my best wishes and strength and support. Wish you both fighting power.

enthusiastic crochetoholic said...

I am just catching up on blog reading. So sorry to hear the news. There is not much that I can say except to echo what other people have written.
I am sending you my love and I will keep you both in my thoughts.

Poetry for Brigid Imbolc

  The Lake Isle of Innisfree BY  WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay a...