June 16, 2011

It's all about me

When you have been living with uncertainty and fear for weeks it is a big relief to have an enemy you can face and fight.
It is the fear of the unknown that seeps into every aspect of your life. It permeates your waking and sleeping hours and despite all your efforts it won't go away.
It just mutates and multiplies. It scares you and you have nightmares. There are " what ifs?, why us?"
there is black, black despair.
You may wonder how having an answer can lift your spirits, especially such an answer of this magnitude. But it can and it has.
Being given bad news, or having bad news confirmed, in such a calm matter of fact manner as the consultant told us is brilliant.
It focuses your mind totally. There are no " what ifs". yes there is still fear, there are many tears both inside and out.
There is railing against everything you believe in.
And yet:-
knowing an enemy gives you something to fight, and if you are bloody minded, (as I have been known to be:))
Then you take it as a challenge. You won't believe for a moment that they can be right. You won't let it be 12-18 months.
After all you haven't known this soulmate for near enough long enough in this life.
There is so much you need and want to say to him. To enjoy with him.
So we will need a lot longer than that together Goddess if you please.
A lot more mornings like these where I sit writing my journal, glancing across to the sleeping figure of the man I love so much.
You can't take him yet, there are things we need to do together. We need to grow old together, and laugh about our aches and pains.
So I give you fair warning these Moggies are a fighting breed of cat, especially the female of the species. That would be me.
We fight for the ones we love. We have to, they are the biggest part of what makes us who and what we are.
Yes today IS all about me.
But under that it is all about my Mr Mog.
I won't lose him yet, or for a long long while.
Is that ok?
Thought I better insert a picture so you know there has been some knitting.


Freyalyn said...

Determination, grit and joy in this post - you have made me cry. Love and hugs....

yvonnep said...

I'm all with you and do my daily thoughts to raise your strength.

Emma said...

A beautifully written and heart felt plea and testament to your love for Mr. Mog. Moved me to tears.

pip said...

Thank you for this post, I'm going to take a leaf out of your book today. Pretty shawl :)

Paula said...

I am thinking about you both and I know that you will fight all the way.

Love and hugs to you both. I loved meeting you both at Wonderwool Wales this year.

Love and best wishes

Paula (aka Valora from Rav)

Anonymous said...

don't know what else to say but hang in there, lots of virtual hugs ((( )))

Blue Witch said...

Well done.

PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) is The Single Most Important Thing that can make a difference.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Fight on, brave Moggies! Fight on!

Lor-artemis said...

Fight hard amber and mr mog, we'll help you every step of the way. xx

artyfartykat said...

I hope that you both can keep that determination and positive thinking, it CAN make a difference. I'm thinking of you both and sending super healing love and hugs.

Mandy said...

My thoughts are with you both, stay strong.

Leanne said...

Go Girl! fight tooth and claw, and never lose hope.

Leanne x

swayingoak said...

Wiping away tears, sending you both strength and love.

Roobeedoo said...

That's it exactly! And I think your man needs another pair of rainbow socks! :)

laoi gaul~williams said...

oh my, i have finally sat down to catch up on my huge blog roll and find such sad news here.
i am so sorry

Sue Simpson said...

That's the warrior woman spirit I know and love and know that you are not alone. We are all fighting this battle together, you are not alne and lots of love and healing is coming your way from all directions.
You are not alone in having lots to do and still to share....because WE need him too.....so no....it's not time yet and we just won't put up with silly know it all doctors, who don't know everything!
Remember what I said: If one person has survived the odds on this, there is no reason why Mr. Mogs should not be the second, if no-one has survived there is no reason why he should not be the first.....Miricles DO and HAVE happened.
Lighting candles and sending love and healing light all the way.
We love you both xxx

Tessa said...

I send you both my love.

Poetry for Brigid Imbolc

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