Thank you

Thank you so much everyone. Mr Mogs cremation was yesterday and it was surrounded by much love and some laughter. So many of our  family and family of choice were there it really helped me get through a very sad day.
He was covered in a blanket of autumn shades, made by many friends across the world. Each square different and each one made with love. It had bells of course and I am writing this cocooned in the warmth and magic of this special blanket now.
We had 3 pieces of Mr Mogs favourite music ending with Status Quo - rocking all over the world. Making everyone smile as we left the crematorium. He wanted a simple ceremony and he got it. Just one eulogy from a friend of ours, spoken from the heart and a mix of tears and laughter when she reminded us of Mr Mogs awful cups of weak tea;) we had a simple hot buffet while sharing our memories of a very special person.
Today I feel empty and bereft. The man I love has left me and although I know he is still here surrounding me with his love I just can't see or touch him.
We celebrate his life on 10th December and friends are most welcome to be with us.

R.I.P Mr Mog

My lovely husband and soulmate Mr Mog sadly left this earth plane on the 1st November. He died peacefully in the early morning after I had just gone to bed for a nap, having been up most of the night chatting to him . He waited, thoughtful to the very last.
He had become more and more frail and in pain but was determined to attend one last wool festival , the Kendal Woolgathering weekend just a couple of days before his passing.
He had a most wonderful time, enjoying being with all our many woolly friends and family. He was surrounded by love and joy a worthy last event indeed.
Our friends came from one end of the country to the other and he was so so appreciative of their taking the time.
As one of our old friends told me "he was storing up memories for you" not for himself but so that I would remember this most gentle loving person full of smiles albeit very very frail.
He will be cremated  with a simple ceremony and then in early December we will have a celebration of his life to which family and friends are all invited.
Mr Mog planned his funeral and his celebration, I just have to put the pieces into place . My heart is broken and I don't know how I can function without him. I know I have to but it's so very very hard. I have a big lump in my stomach and I have cried enough tears for Britain.
I can feel that He is still here in my heart and all around me but I can't touch or see him. I wait for the sound of his bells heralding his arrival in a room. They don't come.
I know we will be together again as he did, it's just the wait until that happens.
Rest in peace my darling, I love you always

Update , it's been a long while.

so sorry to be missing, life has been exceedingly fraught to say the least. Mr Mogs cancer has spread and is now in his neck and nervous system. His tongue is paralysed at the left side and his face has dropped at same side. A form of Bells Palsy. He takes more care  speaking as his speech is slurred a little, especially when he is tired. Swallowing is now becoming difficult and food has to be mashed up or smaller morsels.
He recently spent just under a week in our local hospice for pain management  and they were fabulous. Mr Mog had already been attending day hospice once a week since the summer so it wasn't a completely strange experience.  He now has fentanil pain patches alongside oxynorm liquid as required. He also takes 4 gms of paracetamol a day and 900mg gabapentin 3 times a day.
Last Monday he was discharged from hospice and Monday evening/Tuesday morning had a fall in the bathroom . I struggled to help him, I managed to get him sat on the toilet but couldn't move him back to bed due to my health stuff plus his left leg not cooperating. I rang Hospice at home and district nurses both of whom were answerphone so ended up ringing 111 for an ambulance. With hindsight I should just have phoned 999 but at 1-30 in the morning my brain wasn't thinking straight. Ambulance men were wonderful and got him into bed. When they did his obs his temperature was very high. They rang primary care doctor to come and check him over but he refused. He kept saying sepsis to them even when they explained that Mr Mogs wishes were no hospital unless acute (I.e. Fractures) Mr Mog reluctantly agreed to go to hospital. In the meantime as they got him ready to transport Marie Curie rang us and they too tried to get primary care doctor to come out to no avail. I should just add that the centre they come from is just 2 minutes drive away.  They had to take Mr Mog to city hospital. He spent 5 hours on trolley. After 4 hours I was so upset seeing his pain I burst into tears. The sister took me out for a cup of tea and I think expedited the doctor examining him. He agreed it was chest infection. Gave Mr M a drip of antibiotics then sent him home with more to take orally. The kind ambulance men had moved us up in the queue to the resuscitation area at A&E as current wait otherwise was heading up to 9 hours apparently. Trouble with the resuscitation area was that while we were there 2 people passed away sadly. Fortunately Mr M didn't notice but I did hence the tears.
He is a lot better now from the chest infection but very frail and things are obviously getting worse.
When we got the news the cancer had spread Mr M decided to organise his funeral. So he did, or should I say I am doing under his instructions. He wants a cardboard coffin and cremation and his ashes to go in our friends garden in the village we used to live in as we were happiest there and still call it home. Our friend said she would be honoured. He wants it to be a celebration of his life with lots of colour and bells.
He thought a patchwork covering Autumn shades  for the coffin would be good and it has snowballed with friends all over the world making a square  or two.he also wants bells. Those who know us will remember that he always has a couple of tiny bells attached to his jeans. He started it when the grandsons were tiny  but has continued it. Friends think it's so I can keep track of where he is;) Friend in Surrey is coordinating it and arranging the stitching, then other friends are organising the transporting up to us via several stages. What has been so humbling and amazing is that as people signed up to make squares they have been saying  where they met us , or how they know us, or why they are using the yarn etc.  Lots of people have been messaging to say it has made them discuss their funeral arrangements with one another also.
So I think that's where we are today. Each day is precious, very precious and as Mr Mog said now he has the after death organised he can enjoy the now. A good way I think - don't you?
Ps Mr M has also chosen  some of his music. A track from sacred spirit cd and Rocking all over the world by Status Quo who are his favourite group:)

And yet again -it has been a while

Sorry time gets away from me. There have been hospital appointments, hospice and doctors and time is gone so fast. There were meant to be photos but picasa doesn't work now and I need to work out how to upload photos and where from. So that will be later.

I have stuff to show, the creating has helped with stress and worry.
Mr Mog is frail, he has lost more weight and now weighs 9stone 8 pounds. There is nothing to him:( Friday we went to hospital and Mr Mog signed papers to release his original biopsy for checking to see if he has a particular chemical in it. If he does he may be accepted in the drug trial. 2 out of 3 people don't have it.
Monday we went to palliative pain clinic and the consultant has tripled his steroids for 2 weeks to see if they will help with appetite and loss of energy. He has also put Mr M back in his hormone injections which were stopped inadvertently in January . I only realised last week and mentioned to consultant. They are the ones to restrict the production of the male hormone.
Sunday is Mr Mogs birthday and we are going to Liverpool overnight to his favourite hotel in the docks there. Our daughter and 2 grandsons are also coming which will be good if poignant as the odds are it will be his last.
We have had to restrict normal days out to a couple of hours as he gets too tired otherwise.
The following Sunday is my birthday.
That's up to date I think. Thank you for all the messages, calls, texts etc they really help.

Cancer Update

It has been a while but haven't felt like posting much.not a lot to report, Mr Mog is getting more and more tired each day and losing weight again. This heat doesn't help either when you have to wear a full back brace and a layer of clothing underneath all the time you are up and about, plus he doesn't like it too hot at the best of times. There may be the possibility of a new drug trial. Lots of screening beforehand and he may not be a suitable candidate but hey it's a little more hope. It "may " make him feel a little better and it "may " extend his life but obviously they can't say for certain. It doesn't matter really it's a little more hope and that's never a bad thing.
Today Mr Mog made the decision that he wasn't well enough for the birthday trip to the Isle of Man . He is worried about worsening while away from hospice, oncology and doctors and it's a good allbeit sad decision. There would be no point having a few days away if he worried all the time or me. I must admit I wasn't sure that he would be well enough but no one could say except himself.
We haven't done an awful lot but did fit in an overnight trip to Liverpool  which we both enjoyed.
There has been knitting and spinning going on here and I have been doing a little more playing in my craft room.

A box I altered

The garden is looking particularly lush this year

Love all the tangles of green

Even if the nasturtium flowers are shy.

And we never add fertiliser

No need

This months full moon was particularly spectacular

And lots of colour

This shawl was gifted before I had even finished it, a friend at Woolfest fell in love with it 

So as soon as it was off the needles and blocked it was winging its way to her.

Then I started one in my handspun

P.s. Blue Witch the golden  Lammas shawl  is Pamuya pattern on Ravelry and the stitch is called Wave. 

So how's things with you?

Here and now

In the here and now life goes on as go on it must.

What have we done? Let me think. 

We had a week in a lodge in the Lake District and the weather was glorious every day.

 

We didn't do lots each day as Mr Mog tires easily but we went to Carlisle and then the model railway shop in Wigton before heading back to the lodge.

One day we visited Mr Mogs mother although she didn't know us sadly:( it was very sad and There were tears shed but at least Mr Mog got to see her. She is still with us and at 97 that's not a bad thing.

We spun a little each day, and yes I do have a new spinning wheel. A Kiwi 2 that I have decorated. I found I missed my spinning dreadfully as its a perfect meditation tool and thought that if I just did a little each day it may be ok. Touch wood so far so good.

We celebrated the Solstice moon with tremendous views of moon and hills and spent lots of enjoyable hours watching the clouds chase across the sky.

We listened to owls and watched bats swooping low across the balcony as the sun went down.

We spent almost 2 days at Woolfest and that was the highlight of the holiday for us both. Catching up with all our many friends, most of whom we hadn't seen since last Woolfest due to being unable to go to Wonderwool in April. 

There were lots of laughs and quite a few tears, mostly as this Woolfest may be the last we spend together. 

One of the highlights for me was finally meeting up with a blogger friend from over the Border NewRoobeedoo

That caused more tears to flow. I never thought we would get to meet, just shows you. Roo was exactly as I thought she would be and I look forward to meeting up again soon.

Woolfest is always inspiring and this years show  was as good as ever.

For me it's always been about catching up with friends, the buying opportunities come second to it. I did buy some fabulous merino and Zwarbles fibre from John Arbon as I couldn't resist the softness or the colour.

When we returned home I did some more decluttering and filled a large tub with the contents of my incense cupboard. Over 45 years of incense making ingredients. We don't make incense now, or do incense making workshops and it's over 12 months since I made any. I tend to use oils in my diffuser instead.

I also cleared out most of my essential oils apart from a first aid kits worth and my diffuser ones. The oils went to my friend who does aromatherapy and massage. She used two of them on me at that weeks massage:)

The incense ingredients went to a pagan friend this last weekend when we attended Pagancon . First time I've been for a few years and there were some quite interesting talks and workshops  we took a friend of ours who is exploring his beliefs and is interested in furthering his pagan faith. Mr Mog went for the first half of day then I dropped him at our friends and I went back for a couple of hours. I didn't stay for the evening which was a shame as Damh the Bard and Cernunnos rising were playing. But I have CDs of both so that's ok. George Nicholas from Cernunnos rising did a fabulous very large painting and talk about the charity he works with Art for their sake. I have mentioned them to the hospice that Mr Mog goes to as they are always looking for new projects.

Today I had to make an emergency appointment with the palliative pain clinic as Mr Mogs pain was worse. They actually fit him in this afternoon and the consultant has upped one of his drugs. I have also to arrange a series  of blood tests for him. Oh and I made an appointment for hospital for later this week to have the back brace remoulded as that may help. Mr Mog has lost some more weight and is just over 10stone now. This also makes the brace more uncomfortable for him as its loose.

Think that brings us up to date. To be honest I am just trying to enjoy each day we have. After all that's all everyone has isn't it? The here and now.

There has been some knitting . I finished yet another shawl in a perfect colour for Lammas.

Each day a day to be savoured

The days of feeling in limbo are over. I made the conscious decision to just enjoy each day as it came and that has helped me. We don't know how long Mr Mog has but then none of us do, do we? Letting go of the intensity of cancer made each day much brighter  although -being human - there are still snot and tears days. Not just for me but for both of us. We are enjoying going out as and when, not far but just being able to go places is good. Mr Mog gets tired easily and the pain is always present. I am also sleeping better. I have booked a lodge for a week next week to coincide with Woolfest. We both wanted to go but I thought 2 days would be too much for Mr Mog and on top of that couldn't find a B&B. In the end I decided to book a week away. Means Mr Mog can go to Woolfest but as the lodge is only around 20 minutes away I can take him back when he is weary.
If anyone is going please do let me know:) I know one long time online friend is going so we will meet for the first time. Can't remember when I started to read her blog but many many moons ago. Can't wait to meet face to face:)
I have been creating since we last spoke. Not so much knitting because of my hands but my thoughts and imagination have been going in different channels. I've been up cycling . What do you think?

 This is my latest, in honour of the moon Goddess Selene.