An update

Tuesday we went to the hospital for Mr Mog's normal 3monthly check up. No sense of what was to meet us there, we were sat wondering how long the wait would be, the usual stuff. The consultant immediately wanted to examine him which set off alarm bells. 
Apparaently the cancer is back and outside the prostate. This in just 3 months.
He is back on the stomach injections and today has an MRI or CT scan, not sure which as they rang yesterday with a cancellation and I my brain is not where it should be.
He has a bone scan planned in 2 weeks and then we go back to see the consultant soon after that. That appointment will tell us the extent of the cancer and what treatment there can be.
He can't have radiotherapy again so it will most probably be chemo.
I don't know what to do, how to comfort him when I am also very frightened. Scared that I will lose the man I love and the man I waited so long to find.
Scared of the battle he(we) may have to fight and how I can do everything I can to make it better.
I want to be able to kiss him better, to rub the hurt away some how and I can't.
This limbo time waiting for things to be done is the worst I think. Once we know we can fight it, we have something to fight against.
Now it is just trying to get through the days until we can see the enemy and where it has travelled.
This f%&*%*g cancer is such a nasty disease. It attacks in all ways and you never see it coming.
Faith kind of slips a little when you get news like this.
How are you supposed to attack it like it attacks your loved ones?
Is there anything I am missing? A piece of the jigsaw waiting to be found?We aren't sleeping as you can imagine. I'm trying to keep Mr Mog distracted with lunches out with like minded friends and the like but I know that doesn't really do much.
Still you have to try.
He has been very tired for the past few months and has a really bad back, of course my mind is linking it with the disease. Not to him, to Mr Mog I smile and try to be positive.
But sometimes the mind has a will of its own.

Its back:(

Just been to the hospital with Mr Mog today and sadly his cancer is back:( Waiting for bone scans/mri scan to see if it has spread anywhere else. He has gone back on  injections in the interim. There is possibility of chemo.
Don't know what else to say

A recommendation for Tatty Fleece:)

I don't often recommend people as you know but I thought I'd tell you about a friend of mine who has set up an Etsy shop. Her name is Tattyknits and her etsy shop is Tattyfleece
Why am I telling you about her? tatty has the most amazing eye for colour which was one of the first things I noticed when we met.
But better than that she comes up with brilliant ideas for fibre. When you check out her shop ask her about her boas, I will say no more at this juncture .

Beltaine blessings

It is Beltaine or May Day today and what an incredibly beautiful day it is. I've two posts for you but as they are very picture heavy I'll do one today and one tomorrow.

Yesterday we went to one of our favourite places Conishead Priory to walk in the woods, a tradition for us on Beltaine and indeed woods are the place on all the festivals for me.

 The woods are looking absolutely stunning, the Goddess in all her glory. You can feel the energies and the power of the Lord and Lady at this time.

 I love the priory gardens they are easy to get around but yet you feel as if you are in the first forest it is so quiet and so overwhelmingly stunning.

 Comfrey or knitbone to give it its country name was a big part of my childhood. My nan used to wrap leaves of it around my sore joints to ease the pain. She used to make salves from it for when the leaves were not usable. I had to eat the leaves and drink an infusion as well. Sadly I still have my disease so it didn't cure it but it did help alleviate the pain. Nowadays they tell you not to drink it I think. Didn't harm me though, I'm still here:)
She also made the most foul smelling liquid to use on the garden because comfrey is a marvellous fertiliser. Mr Mog and I tried it several times and the results were great. We stopped after he accidentally spilt some across himself and it took a shower to get rid of the perfume.

 We found out later that there was a better, less smelly way to make it. We had put leaves in a bucket and added water. Don't do that. The easiest way is an upturned pop bottle with the bottom cut off, put the leaves in there with a weight on them. This produces a concentrated liquid that is equally effective. Just add water to it when using.

 So Beltaine, a fire festival and a time of great fertility in the land. What does it mean to you?

 For me it is a renewal of energy, a time of meditation and insights. A time to enjoy creativity for its own sake and not for an end result. A play time. A what if ?time.

 This past two days of woodland and nature have helped to ease the dark winter that still lingers in my bones and in my spirit.It tells me to let go of the past, accept what has been and be thankful for what it has done for me. I may not yet realise all the plus points but they are there. With the longer days and warmer weather the positive elements will come forth.

 This view always reminds me of one of my favourite poems The way through the Woods by Rudyard Kipling where coincidentally? the poem of the day is Puck's song

They shut the road through the woods
Seventy years ago.
Weather and rain have undone it again,
And now you would never know
There was once a road through the woods
Before they planted the trees.
It is underneath the coppice and heath,
And the thin anemones.
Only the keeper sees
That, where the ring-dove broods,
And the badgers roll at ease,
There was once a road through the woods.

Yet, if you enter the woods
Of a summer evening late,
When the night-air cools on the trout-ringed pools
Where the otter whistles his mate,
(They fear not men in the woods,
Because they see so few.)
You will hear the beat of a horse's feet,
And the swish of a skirt in the dew,
Steadily cantering through
The misty solitudes,
As though they perfectly knew
The old lost road through the woods.

 Puck's song

SEE you the ferny ride that steals
Into the oak-woods far?
0 that was whence they hewed the keels
That rolled to Trafalgar.

And mark you where the ivy clings
To Bayharn's mouldering walls?
0 there we cast the stout railings
That stand around St. Paul's.

See you the dimpled track that runs
All hollow through the wheat?
0 that was where they hauled the guns
That smote King Philip's fleet.

(Out of the Weald, the secret Weald,
Men sent in ancient years,
The horse-shoes red at Flodden Field,
The arrows at Poitiers!)

See you our little mill that clacks,
So busy by the brook?
She has ground her corn and paid her tax
Ever since Domesday Book.

See you our stilly woods of oak,
And the dread ditch beside?
0 that was where the Saxons broke
On the day that Harold died.

See you the windy levels spread
About the gates of Rye?
0 that was where the Northmen fled,
When Alfred's ships came by.

See you our pastures wide and lone,
Where the red oxen browse?
0 there was a City thronged and known,
Ere London boasted a house.

And see you, after rain, the trace
Of mound and ditch and wall?
0 that was a Legion's camping-place,
When Caesar sailed from Gaul.

And see you marks that show and fade,
Like shadows on the Downs?
0 they are the lines the Flint Men made,
To guard their wondrous towns.

Trackway and Camp and City lost,
Salt Marsh where now is corn-

And so was England born.

She is not any common Earth,
Water or wood or air,
But Merlin's Isle of Gramarye,
Where you and I will fare.

 Primroses are always a surprise flower, they suddenly appear. Have you ever had primrose wine? Gorgeous flavour and brings with it all the magic of the Spring. Whenever I've made it I've only ever taken petals from a prolific area of the flowers and always asked before taking.

 Bluebells here are mainly the native ones, a few Spanish have crept in but not too many thankfully.

 Saxifrage is such a tiny flower you can miss it if you aren't watching closely.
These next 2 pictures are for Leanne She had been searching for hope and look what we found in the gardens there.

 And a close up

 As you can see the day was beautiful

 Carpets of flowers and new leaves in abundance.

 A gateway to a magical world.

Hope you enjoyed the journey and may your Beltaine be full of joy and hope.