Time passes

The sadness never goes away when you lose the one you love. You just have to file it in a room and close the door. Don’t lock it. It doesn’t ever stay closed. You miss that person all the time with never decreasing grief. But having it somewhere you can close the door for a while means that you can start to live again. It’s a totally different life but never the less it’s a life. You smile, you go out and you socialise with friends and family. You even have fun.

At first it’s very very hard because you feel guilty, guilty that you are having fun and not crying all the time. Guilty that you are enjoying yourself. It almost feels as if it is against the rules. But with the help of good people you carry on and you start to enjoy things once more. An hour here, a meet up there. You even laugh but that sounds almost manic sometimes. A frantic attempt to be normal.

You are grateful for very painful days, stay in bed days. They seem penance for daring to enjoy yourself once more. How can you have fun with a huge hole where your loved one was? But you carry on because that was one of the last things he said to you before his death:-
Have fun
Accept all invitations
Answer all calls and visits from friends

So I do.

I even look forward to days now. I’ve managed to start creating again and my craft room isn’t quite as scary as it was.

Yes my health is worse in lots of ways and this winter has been a very hard one.
But I am so grateful. Grateful for all the things I had with Mr Mog, grateful for my friends and family of choice.
And grateful that I know we will be together again and that helps keep me going.